


you took it all (but i’m still breathing)

by localopa



Series: alive [2]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Near Relapse, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Recovery, brief mention of fizzy’s death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-10
Updated: 2020-01-10
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:40:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22154173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/localopa/pseuds/localopa
Summary: louis almost has a relapse. harry’s there to save him.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Series: alive [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1594630
Kudos: 20





	you took it all (but i’m still breathing)

**Author's Note:**

> nobody asked for this. but like with my other alcoholism series, i wrote it anyway. i haven’t written anything since the first part of this series, i’m making it a series whether you like it or not, so welcome back. i do not drink, nor have i ever drank, so i’m obviously not a recovering alcoholic. but i’ve done my research and i hope i do it justice once again. thank you to rachel for being a doll and betaing this and telling me to fuck off in the same breath. and thank you to jess for doing the art for this! title of this piece comes from alive by sia. enjoy.
> 
> xx. oliver

it happens, yes. relapses  _ happen _ . 

usually, they don’t happen when you’ve been 3 years sober. 

yet, louis still finds himself staring at the wall of alcohol in the local tesco, hands quivering and breathing shaking. 

he hasn’t been in this aisle in years, harry always went shopping. or they order online to save the hassle of being recognized in public. but today was a day that they both went out to do the shopping, which almost never happens. 

a certain brand catches his eye, the brand he’d always buy back when he drank until he passed out. his breath catches as he reaches out for it. old habits die hard, as they s-

_ no _ , he scolds himself, pulling his hand back to his chest.  _ you’re stronger than this.  _

his eyes flit over all the beers and liquors, as if he was trying to decide what he wants. he won’t, he’s strong. he can walk into this aisle and not pick up the bottle like his body so desperately craves. 

he must be there for hours, staring at the shelves, but really, it’s been minutes. he needs to get out of here, needs to find harry. but his feet are glued to where they are, his eyes fixated on the bottle. 

“lou?” he hears harry call out. “i know this is a big store but i just saw you a few min-“

harry’s voice cuts off, standing at the end of the aisle. he has a cart in his hands, blocking the entrance to where louis is. he’s trapped him, accidentally. but the thought makes his chest heave. his worst nightmare coming into fruition, being trapped with only alcohol around him. 

louis doesn’t realize harry is next to him, too involved in his panic attack to see or think clearly, until a hand falls on his shoulder. immediately, his head snaps to who owns the hand, eyes wide as he sees it’s just harry. harry reaches out to wipe away tears he didn’t know were there, giving him a small smile.

“you’re okay,” he says in a soft voice. “‘m not letting you get out of control any time soon.” 

at the sound of his voice, louis instantly relaxes, however his heart is still wound up in his chest. he trusts harry, trusts him more than he does himself. and he’s forever grateful that he has someone who can watch out for him when he’s at his weakest. 

a pair of lips finds his forehead, staying there a moment. “c’mon. i’m done shopping.” a hand finds his, interlocking their fingers together, and his feet are finally freed from the tile he’s been standing on. 

he’s safe, louis thinks. as long as he’s got harry, he’s safe. 

-

the car ride home is a quiet one. but harry’s hand never leaves louis’.

the silence in the car is filled by the radio, soft enough that you can barely make out each song. harry taps to an unknown rhythm on the steering wheel while louis looks out the window. they’re okay, they’re going to be okay. 

harry makes louis go inside the house as he carries in the groceries, despite his protests. he puts the kettle on and instructs louis to wait on the sofa until he’s finished putting everything away. 

louis stares straight ahead of him at the tv, taking in his reflection on the flat screen. he’s healthier than he was 3 years ago, his cheekbones less prominent than before. he looks down at his hands to see they’re no longer shaking, more color to them than in the past. his breathing is still not steady, but as moments pass, he’s getting calmer. 

his head jerks to the door as it closes, harry standing in the foyer as he takes off his shoes. he’s thankful for harry, he probably wouldn’t have been able to stop without his help, along with the other boys. louis remembers when he nearly relapsed after the death of his sister, the hours spent crying and fighting with harry when he wouldn’t let him have what he wanted most. 

_ alcohol is not your coping mechanism anymore, _ harry had said. whenever things are bad, he tries to remember it. 

he doesn’t even notice harry was sitting next to him until he heard a cough, shaking him out of his thoughts. looking over, he sees harry is already watching him. his hands are folded in his lap, eyes trained on his own as he waits for louis to make the next move. 

louis clears his throat. “lovely weather we’re having,” he says in lieu of what harry really wants to talk about. “you know, for england, it really is lovely we-“

“louis,” harry’s voice is firm, but quiet. “you know what i want to talk about.”

he swallows. the thing is, he’s scared. he shouldn’t have reacted the way he did in the store, he knows this. it’s been too long for him to have reacted that way for it to be acceptable. 

“don’t beat yourself up,” harry pulls louis into his chest, pulling him into his lap. “i know what you’re doing, love. i know you’re just riling yourself up over this and it’s not right. you have to know that it’s okay to react the way you did.”

“but it’s not,” his voice breaks. “i shouldn’t be reacting that way around it.”

louis feels a pair of lips press against his hair, and then his body starts to rock. “you haven’t been around it in years, lou. it’s normal to react that way.”

louis wants to scream, wants to yell until his voice gives out and the only sounds he’s making are the choked sobs he knows will come. he wants harry to see that this  _ isn’t  _ right, that this isn’t normal. he doesn’t want to be coddled, he wants someone to slap him in the face and tell him how it is. 

harry, however, doesn’t hurt him. he takes care of him, makes sure he feels better than when he came in. 

he doesn’t realize he’s crying until harry’s shushing him, tightening his grip on him and stops the rocking. louis moves to pull away, and harry takes the chance to wipe away his tears. he takes in shaky breaths, shoulders stuttering as he does so. 

“it’s not normal, h,” he mumbled, reaching his hand up to pull harry’s away. “i’m not broken anymore, i shouldn’t be reacting that way.”

“you’re not broken, you never were, baby. your addiction doesn’t make you broken. you just had a few bumps in the road, none of it is your fault.” harry’s hand returns to his face, thumbing over his cheek. he’s a persistent little shit when he wants to be. “look at me.”

louis hesitates before looking up. his eyes are still watery, skin flushed, and he’s half a step away from being a complete wreck. he’s nothing harry fell in love with. 

“what happened today is normal, and i’ll keep telling you that until i’m blue in the face. you haven’t been in that aisle in years, it’s normal to react that way, okay? everyone’s recovery is different.” harry pauses, placing a kiss on louis’ forehead. “i loved you then and i’ll keep you loving you until i die. probably even longer than that. just because this happened doesn’t mean i’ve stopped supporting you, you know that right?”

louis nods, taking in a staccato breath. he does know, but he’s always been worried that he’ll do something that will set harry off. the man has been nothing but sweet and kind and gentle and  _ loving _ since he started recovery. he shouldn’t be worried, shouldn’t be scared. 

harry presses a gentle kiss against his lips, a fleeting one as he pulls away a second later. “it’s you and me against the world, yeah?” he smiles, and yeah, it’s infectious. 

louis smiles back. it’s them against the world. and he thinks they’re going to win. 

**Author's Note:**

> send a strongly worded letter to my tumblr @ voulezloux


End file.
